This is me

Hello and Good morning, the sun came up today and i guess that is a good thing. I am stilling breathing so i guess i will chew up my thoughts and spit them out. 

I am not eloquent. 

I am just writing.

No one will read or hear my words

And no one cares. 

Face it you are not even listening. 

Here we are. I am opening my chest to reveal things I have held in. 

This is me. 

I am alone at the moment when the most people are around me. 

I am the girl who 'knows' others. But the girl who knows no one. 

I am the girl who is 'friends' with everyone, but who is no friend. 

I am the girl who is misunderstood.

I am the girl who cant speak and I sure as hell can't write because for me what I feel, what I think, what I am-cannot be put into words. 

I am the girl at the back of the auditorium of life who just listens. Who feels what others are saying. Who tries to understand. But cant. 

Because I am the girl who people know in class but ignore the rest of the time. 

I dont have a twitter, a snap chat, i have about a total of 40 face book friends and 39 of them are family. I dont understand texting, sluffing class, late nights with friends and just about everything else that people my age like. 

I am the introvert in the corner. 

I devour books because they dont judge and dont call me a witch as said by my big brother and a freak as said by the kid in the hall. 

And I try people I try.

I got that facebook, i begged for my parents to pay for texting, i tried to make friends by joining that club. That club that talks for an hour about how we need to make friends with the oucasts and yet they cannot see one sitting in their midst.

 But i cant be someone else because while everyone else is moving on and making better friends they forget that girl who sits slumped in every seat and the girl who isn't listened to. 

The girl who clings to anyone who would care to learn her name. The girl who everyday hates herself because others have told me I should. 

This is me. I am living a life that is not just on the sidelines but behind the bleachers with her nose in a book. Because no one has shown me the way to enjoy the game. 

This is me. A girl whose parents tell her college will be different. But i am the girl who knows without a shadow of a doubt that college will not change anything. 

This is me. The girl who didnt get up and share in a poetry slam because she didn't know how to sign up. The girl who felt like she missed the deadline to living a life like everyone else. 

And yet I have too often seen the flowers in the back of the auditorium, slumped in that seat, behind the bleachers. 

I am the girl who eats jelly beans one by one and cries when my favorite flavor is gone. And the girl who is utterly confused when she discovers that the center of her favorite jelly bean is a different color then the rest of them. 

I am the girl who reads books and sits in my own world marveling at the way that my shoes reflect the light. I am the girl who draws smily faces on everything not just because that is the only thing i can draw, but because i need a reminder to smile. This is the girl who tries to be content being a floor mat for everyone to wipe their feet on, because at least that floor mat has a purpose.

This is me, please i am not who you think i am and i am dying to be heard and to be noticed. But i guess that's why i am a freak. Because no one will ever listen. 

I guess that is why it took me several months to finally convince myself to post this. 

Because my parents have spent too much time telling me to lower my voice and shut up. 

This is me. 

This isnt a good bye this is a good night because i will still be here tomorrow.